i have not blogged in what? 9 months? now here i am again, ready to blab some more. actually i tried another blogging site which, i have to say, is not as exciting and pleasant as this one so here i am again. that may have been the most short-lived blog i've ever had. one entry, one day and i am a goner. it's good that the same thing can't be said about me when it comes to guys, i would've said men but "men" is too strong a word for me so. i usually last 2 weeks tops, a week of incessant calling and romantic daydreaming and then poof! just like that, i am a goner. HA! it is, however, disturbing to me how short my attention span is. tsk tsk tsk.

... and i only had two shots of friggin vodka. man, i haven't drank in such a long time, my body is not as tolerant to alcohol as it was before. not that i had a high alcohol tolerance to begin with. i am at a friend's house and they left me with nothing to do.  they've decided to get something else, something a little less "hard" and so i am alone, with the computer, so scratch alone, i have the ever trusty computer, man am i such a geek or what!  if hangover is what happens that day after you drink, i don't know what to call mine. my head's pounding and my heart's beating too fast i coud feel it in my throat. i need to lie down and sleep.

here i am sitting in front of the computer typing away my misery. oh did i say misery? why am i so miserable i ask myself. i'm breathing right? i'm alive and have been so for the past 20-something years of my life. if anything, i should be thankful for life and whatever it has blessedly bestowed upon me. you see, the thing i abhor and despise about myself is my way of scrutinizing my life. when everyone around me has "evolved", changed from how they were years ago and myself, at rest, motionless, sitting on the curb choking on their dust as they pass me by... i can't help but examine myself meticulously and be completely miserable for what i see. what have i become? or better yet, what have i not become? there's so much to do and, i'd like to say, so little time but all i have in this world is time... IF i believe it to be. the wick is burning, the clock is ticking and i am slowly fading away.

if one is responsible for somebody else's melancholy, would one feel... (a.) bad or guilty for having to cause such pain, feeling? or (b.) fortunate that this time one has inflicted the pain first rather than be the one on the receiving end of the spectrum? the latter may sound evil but with the way the world works, which end of the spectrum would you rather be in? in a heartbeat and without pondering on it too much i'd say i would rather hurt somebody than be hurt, but that's just the "mean" part of me talking. of course it is such pain and misery to be left or deceived but to actually be the one, the executioner in a way, to cause the same pain and misery that one vows to never feel again if possibly prevented. now, that's a tough one. it's like being asked to choose between, i don't know, say... (thinks for an hour) just say two choices that's really hard to choose between. ha! can't think of anything else. but there, just something to think about?! not really, more like something to ease my mind with. which end?

filipinos don't date. we either go "steady" with a person or we don't. we don't "see" anyone, instead we have boys visiting us at home in the old fashion sense of "courting". some of us are not even allowed to have boyfriends till after we finish college. but that was when i was in high school, about 7 years back. my sister is a senior high school and lately she's been talking to this "boy". we've been asking her if she was "seeing" him but she said they're just friends. yeah like i was born yesterday! after frequent calls and successive "asking-out's", she gave in. it wasn't a date technically, she said, but whatever. so the day of the technically-not-a-date arrived. everyone was home, too. heard somebody ring the bell and when asked, my lil sis said it was no one. grabbed her shoes and jacket and literally bolted out thru the door, into the arms of her "date" <-- just added that for a touch of drama. curious of how her "date" looks like, we, all 7 of us, positioned ourselves on the couch by the window for a better view. not sitting but kneeling and looking out thru the window looking the way one looks when being "inquisitive"(read:nosy/snoopy). we didn't think we were visible until my sister, before getting in the car, waves to us. i didn't realize it was pathetic and hilarious until i shared it with my friends. what can i say... filipinos don't date.

there are times when one is confronted with what one is capable of doing and the dread of having to face it is too much one can only hope the day ends with no bloodshed. today is one of the many days where i wake up to see my face in the mirror and thought, "how can this be my life?". disappointment is and has always been, dare i say, a "prominent" figure in, i guess not only my life but of everyone as well. i wallow in it willingly, i surrender to it completely because i do not have what it takes to stand up to it. or maybe i am just tired of pretending things are well and that i am fully content of what i am capable of doing when in reality i wish i was living someone else's life. i hate laying in bed till the wee hours feeling ungrateful, wishing i was this or that when i should be thankful for what i CAN do.  i say, f*ck feeling futile and useless. i am what i am and i should be glad i am not otherwise, right?

still feeling a bit bloated from consuming both food and whatever else i could get a hold of this past couple of days. christmas went by rather quickly leaving behind remains that consisted of wrapping papers, food leftovers and a terrible heartburn. I got a shirt that says I'M GRUMPY and my sister saying it suits me. i suppose i could be temperamental at times, well most of the time. then again most of my brothers and sisters are too. i don't think it's genetics or anything like that at all. now i wonder, is our house that sort of environment? one that drives people mad, enraged, and in much less "violent" category, just plain grumpy. even when combined, our patience is as short as my eyelashes and by that i mean really short. we're good people though, "grumpiness" is just sort of our trademark and our noses(not that we have ugly noses) but that's another story.

Yippee!! After days of aching and anticipating, i finally got it! I suppose I have been nice. Santa came 2 days early and gave me the LOST DOGS cd. Well, not exactly but then again who knows? Anyway, somebody gave me this Circuit City gift card and of course, the first thing that went in my head was... do they sell cd's there? Of course they do, been there many times. What was I thinking? My thoughts were too clouded up with excitement i couldn't think straight. I rushed and got there as fast as lightning. Got the cd and then some. Went home. Stared at it for a half hour or so. Got sidetracked by some chores my mother asked me to do and now i'm blogging. Now it's time for me to go and open the cd (i've actually opened it in the car, good thing i wasn't driving) and listen to it till morning. Man that would be a great way to start one's day, don't you think? One more thing, my younger sister went with me and while i was so excited with the cd's i have on my hand she was staring at me with this stare. A what-is-wrong-with-you-why-are-you-so-excited-about-that stare. She, and no one else in my family for that matter, understands my fascination with Pearl Jam. No one! I have to go. Bye for now.

Went out to L.A. for the weekend with my friend and some other people from ORMOC, the place I was born and raised in. We went to attend a christmas party, sort of a gathering for all the ormocanons living in the US, mostly in California. Had to sit 7 hours, if i'm not mistaken, from our place all the way to LA with a bunch of middle aged women, a couple other(years beyond middle age), and a couple of other guys. It's not as bad as it sounds. In fact, it was the most entertaining 7 hour-drive(plus the drive back) i've ever been on. I was, in a way, exhilirated at the range of the conversation that went on inside the car for that span of time. No pseudo-intellectual crap. They weren't exactly debating about philosophies or politics or religion. Just a bunch of middle aged women talking about hollywood gossip, life experiences, and boy were they so fond of outlet stores and branded products and sex wasn't to be excluded! They even tell the greenest of the green jokes, which was overwhelming in the first hour but afer that, i was just floating in it like a fly on a coffee?!? Wide awake from caffeine but dead at the same time.  I couldn't sleep because i wanted to hear the whole conversation and mainly because when they laugh, the whole car roars of laughter that can blow the darn roof away you can't help but laugh with them. It was all good... the drive I enjoyed immensely despite the back-and-butt aches and the green jokes hehe. The party? Well, I'm not much of a social person so I mostly stood in one corner or a deserted space looking like a scared puppy. Made me think of why i even went to the party in the first place. Guess i was so desperate to get out, been feeling a little bit boxed in lately. Listen to me whine, my goodness!

from inside the car looking through the tinted windows, everything outside just looks dim and lonely. somehow i'm reminded of my emotions when i see the moon when it's full and the sky so clear and calm. i don't know why, it's just how i'm built i suppose. i could not think of any way to express it either which is tough. i am no poet or painter, i can't say i play the guitar as a way to express myself. i write it down but it makes matters worse. go figure! i have no idea what brought about all this. i might as well go to bed and smother myself with the pillow, rid myself of all these feelings.